How to Establish Peace in the Family?
Peace, in our modern age, is becoming a concept we are increasingly losing, replaced by fleeting moments of happiness. Yet, what we truly need is a satisfied heart that allows us to sleep and wake up to a beautiful, peaceful day. So, why have we lost our peace, and how can we restore it? Today, let’s talk a little about this. To solve a problem, one must dig down to its roots. That’s why we want to begin with the smallest but most fundamental unit of society: the family. We can define the family as the people who have been with us since our very existence and the people we have chosen to include in our lives. Today, we want to search for answers to this question through the family we have chosen to include in our lives – the one we’ve formed with our spouse. The daunting rise in divorce rates these days is the most significant evidence that there’s a lack of peace in the homes established. However, none of these people got married while dreaming of divorce. Everyone gets married with the dream of a happy family, but sometimes what we experience is not as beautiful as what we have imagined.
Social Media Usage
A saying attributed to Hz. Ali (may Allah be pleased with him) states, “A righteous spouse is the beginning of peace.” So, it seems we’ve found our starting point.
From my perspective in this day and age, I always think: Yes, there are so many troubled marriages, but there cannot be so many unrighteous people. Clearly, some things are not in balance, and our peace has been disrupted. The first thing that comes to my mind as a disruptor is the elimination of the privacy of families through social media. Millions of Muslims share their homes, bedrooms, meals, in short, their entire lives on social media. They not only share but also begin to compare their own lives with what they see there. In reality, everyone portrays their best selves on social media, sharing their most beautiful moments. However, people often make unfavorable comparisons while watching. They stop seeing the good, happy, and thankful moments in their own families. Thus, internal discontent begins to gnaw at them. Therefore, we can say that one of the things to do to establish peace in the family is to use social media consciously.
Avoiding Looking at the Forbidden
One of the things we need to do to preserve peace in our family is to protect our eyes from looking at the forbidden. We have been exposed to so much that is forbidden in series, movies, and on the streets that, unfortunately, we no longer realize it is wrong. In the Quran, it is stated, “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their modesty.” So what is the wisdom behind this verse? It is actually a determining factor in achieving peace within the family. Spouses should look at each other. When the element of looking at the forbidden enters the equation, comparison unfortunately comes into play, leading spouses to stop liking each other. Consequently, peace is dwindling day by day. Sometimes, they can even request things that are forbidden from each other. However, can anything be more beautiful in the eyes of Allah than a faithful spouse? In the end, to maintain lasting peace in our home, we should open our eyes only to our lawful spouse, closing them to all other forbidden things. Thus, we can taste the wisdom in Allah’s orders and the blessing of peace it brings.
Being Content
Another thing needed to establish our peace is to know how to be content in this age of consumption. Unfortunately, we always want more in our time. This makes us insatiable and takes away our peace. We do not appreciate what we have. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) says, “Look at those who have less in worldly goods than you, and do not look at those who have more than you; this is more apt to remind you of Allah’s favors.” When we embrace this principle, we realize how many things we have to be grateful for, and we take one more step towards real peace. Can we please value something before we lose it, like the refrigerator being the most luxurious brand, or all other material things? If it serves its purpose, isn’t it enough? Will those luxurious possessions give us back the peace we lost in our home when we no longer have it? I highly doubt it. So, we must learn to appreciate what we have before we lose it.
Sincerity
One of the things to avoid to establish peace is individualization. In our day and age, individualization has reached its highest levels. Nowadays, people don’t even know their neighbors who live right next to them. The situation is no different in the family. Mothers, fathers, and children spend their time apart from each other. Everyone is busy on their phones, living in a world that doesn’t even exist. There are no longer gatherings where people can sit and talk for hours and feel that talking soothes their wounds. This situation leads to loneliness and, consequently, discomfort. To establish peace, it is necessary for family members to truly share their lives. Otherwise, don’t we become strangers living in the same house? The Prophet said, “The best among you is the one who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family.” From this perspective, we can say that we should prioritize our families above everything else. Ensuring the peace of our family should be our top priority. When our spouse is going through a crisis, we should be able to notice, talk, and share. As Mevlana says, “People who share the same emotions, not just the same language, can understand each other.” Therefore, we should create the sincerity of sharing the same emotions in our family. Only then will peace, like a protective shield, envelop our home.
Protecting Trust
I would like to draw your attention to one point from the farewell sermon: “You have taken them (women) in Allah’s trust.” In the continuation of the sermon, it says, “O believers! I leave you with two precious things, and if you adhere to both, you will never go astray after me. They are the Book of Allah and my Prophetic Tradition.” The concept of trust is used for both women and the Quran and Sunnah. So, what I want to highlight here is how much our religion values and places women. If you wonder how this relates to our topic, think about the fact that the value we give to each other is directly proportional to our peace. When we internalize this principle and think of our spouse as a trust from Allah, we will undoubtedly protect and care for them. We will respect their thoughts and even show patience for the characteristics we do not like. Thus, we will take a significant step to maintain lasting peace in our family.
Choosing a Good Spouse
Lastly, let’s elaborate on the saying we began with: “A righteous spouse is the beginning of peace.” First of all, who is a righteous spouse? A righteous spouse is someone who strives for the hereafter more than for worldly life. This worldly life is like a dream. It is transitory, while the afterlife is our real life. Therefore, when it comes to choosing a spouse, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) advises, “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her family, her beauty, and her religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously committed.” When we select our spouse, we should prioritize their religious life. Do they fear Allah? Do they show mercy? Do they perform their prayers? Most importantly, is their life aligned with pleasing Allah? When we pay attention to these aspects while choosing a spouse, we are taking one more step towards a peaceful family. Imagine a marriage where your spouse, without complaint, works towards a better life, perhaps even towards home ownership without engaging in forbidden actions. But there is no congregational prayer at home, no consideration of justice, and a tolerance for forbidden actions. Can we really expect to find peace in such a marriage? First and foremost, the acts performed have no place in pleasing Allah. In contrast, when couples mutually support each other in material and spiritual matters, perform their prayers together, and pray to Allah for the peace of their families, we believe everything will be different. The peace we desire is hidden in these actions. As it is stated in the Quran, “Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” May Allah never prevent us from remembering Him, turning towards Him, and living in accordance with His will. Amen.
